turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize