the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
third nipple confirmed
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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