Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I cockslap morals
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
