Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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