So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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