im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They took my balls.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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