hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
