Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Randomize
