First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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