I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
