I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
