i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
