Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
