my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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