the new term for farting is butt boxing.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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