when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
