Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
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