Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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