I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
