One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
