Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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