His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
