so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
