I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
