Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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