apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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