I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
