I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
