Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
