He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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