Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
