I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
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