So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
