I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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