READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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