In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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