They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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