He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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