I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
