I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
