i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize