My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
this just has baby written all over it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
