i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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