I think my fart just growled at me.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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