I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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