yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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