Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
