stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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