im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
