You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My feet surprised me
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
