She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
