My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
