fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
