Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
