Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
