My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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