Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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