I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
