Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
