No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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