The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
